Your Next Blockbuster: Collider

Gentlemen, how do we capitalize on the recent Higgs bosun discovery at the Large Hadron Collider? A 3D special effects extravaganza blockbuster.

It’s about a dude showing up from the future…

Jeremy Renner plays Professor Higgs, he’s a bit of a maverick, but he gets results. Amber Heard’s his science rival who’s all, “I’ll be finding that boson first, Professor Higgs.” She does the whole heavy black glasses/lab coat/tight bun thing the entire movie.

heard out

Liam Neeson has been sent from the future to stop the Large Hadron Collider from destroying earth. See, Doctor Heard’s upcoming experiment destroyed the Earth and everyone lives in space now on these gigantic Jetson-like space elevators, which is why Liam Neeson’s wearing a jumpsuit that looks a bit like it came from the first Star Trek movie but way cooler. He breaks into the facility to overload the technobabble time circuits but he gets captured and labelled as crazy. Jeremy Renner is intrigued. Could this mad spaceman be the key to unlocking the secret of the God Particle? “No” says Liam Neeson. “I can’t mess around with the Temporal Prime Directive.” Nobody cares about this massive plothole of an excuse.

Then Cillian Murphy comes back to rescue the older professor and complete his mission and craziness happens. Cillian Murphy is the Pluto University grad student assistant of Professor Neeson and actually trained as a Time Assassin for when everything goes tits up on the space time continuum, and he has a full compliment of weapons to take down basically any mechanized threat in the known universe. You know he’s from the future because of his dreamy elven cheekbones.

So Cillian Murphy is a man on a mission, and that mission is to save Earth from itself by any means necessary. He opts to aim for the collider first. But dammit, the President’s daughter is in there. The President’s daughter, America’s Sweetheart, played by America’s Sweetheart Taylor Swift, is helping out at CERN for college credit, and right when Cillian Murphy rigs up the mini wormhole bomb, she’s about to flip the switch of the fateful experiment. This is what happens when the first family interns at an experimental physics laboratory! Where on Earth is the Secret Service! This is a movie, so IRL facts are probably a bit tenuous!

And, duh, of course Jeremy Renner has combat skills. He learned everything he needed to know about physics driving tanks in Future Desert Storm. “You can’t just destroy the culmination of all the knowledge of the western world!” he shouts, with his first three buttons on his white shirt pinging off suggestively. “You don’t understand!” says Cillian Murphy, huge blue eyes getting just slightly misty. “I’m saving you all from yourselves!” Taylor faints back into the arms of Renner, her apparent saviour: “You’re such an amazing… scientist.”

Cillian Murphy stares deep into Jeremy Renner’s puppy dog like eyes and relents, remembering how he felt the first time he made a major scientific discovery with his father figure Liam Neeson. There’s a flashback to his childhood as an orphan back on Earth 2. Surely they can allow Earth 1 humans to continue experimenting as long as the futurepeople install fail safes to stop a cataclysmic black hole from happening? They can work together on this project, and they can save the Earth side by side.

Cillian Murphy and Jeremy Renner make out.

The end.

About Jac Thurmond 25 Articles
Co-founder of The Spoilist. Resident horror aficionado. Also reviewing science fiction, animation, and arthouse films. You can find me on Twitter.