LUNCH BREAK ADVENTURES PART 2 OF AN ONGOING SERIES OF 1

[12:52:59] Dave: You AWAKE to find yourself inside a FUTURISTIC LOOKING JAIL CELL. You know it’s futuristic because there is a COOL BLUE FORCEFIELD instead of a DOOR. It looks DANGEROUS and AWESOME. You inspect the cell. You have your SOILED JAILGARB, a TOOTHBRUSH and your FUTURECUFFS. In the CELL there is a BUNK, a SINK and a TOILET. In the next door CELL you see a SKETCHY LOOKING BRO.

[12:53:03] Dave: What do you do?

[12:53:22] Jac: hmm

[12:54:23] Jac: can I make the bro my ally?

[12:54:29] Dave: roll for alliance

[12:54:33] Jac: 6

[12:54:42] Dave: you roll 6 out of 20

[12:54:54] Dave: you COMPLIMENT him on his STOCKY FRAME

[12:55:02] Dave: turns out he’s TOUCHY ABOUT HIS WEIGHT

[12:55:31] Dave: he throws a KNIFE through the BARS because security in here is KIND OF LAX

[12:55:41] Jac: it’s a forcefield, dude

[12:55:48] Dave: not on the SIDE OF THE CELL, there were BUDGET CUTS

[12:56:02] Dave: only the DOOR

[12:56:04] Dave: SMARTASS

[12:56:35] Jac: let’s antagonize him some more until he makes a swing at me and runs right into the door forcefield, knocking him out

[12:56:42] Jac: aikido, bitch

[12:56:51] Dave: roll for aikido

[12:56:55] Jac: 9

[12:57:07] Dave: you TAUNT the ROUGHNECK

[12:57:12] Dave: TAUNT SUCCESS!

[12:57:40] Dave: He charges through the FORCEFIELD, the gold caps on his ROUGHNECK MOLARS fuse the wiring.

[12:57:53] Dave: the FORCEFIELD is DISABLED, the ROUGHNECK collapses, roughly.

[12:58:23] Jac: go me

[12:58:31] Dave: WOOT

[12:58:40] Dave: you exit the CELL

[12:58:43] Jac: taking the toothbrush with me

[12:58:56] Dave: to the NORTH is the MED BAY, TO THE east is the ARMORY

[12:59:08] Jac: lemme break my toothbrush into a point first

[12:59:19] Dave: there is a SUSPICIOUSLY UNGUARDED AIR CONDITIONING GRATE at your feet

[12:59:27] Dave: you fashion the TOOTHBRUSH into a RUDIMENTARY SHIV

[12:59:47] Dave: the SHIV is +2 DAMAGE against ROUGHNECKS

[12:59:58] Jac: can I use the point of the toothbrush to unscrew the grate?

[13:00:04] Dave: roll for macgyver

[13:00:14] Jac: 14

[13:00:28] Dave: you unscrew the crap out of the GRATE

[13:00:39] Dave: the GRATE has never felt so CHEAP

[13:00:51] Dave: the AIR DUCT is DARK and full of TERRORS

[13:01:04] Jac: hmm, I’m going to get the roughneck’s jailgarb to fashion kneepads first

[13:01:14] Jac: and for hand protection

[13:01:30] Dave: you whip up a fancy pair of GARBPADS

[13:01:44] Dave: +2 defence, +4 dapperosity

[13:02:04] Dave: were there any FLOOSIES in the area you would be A PRIZE CATCH

[13:02:40] Jac: will keep this in mind for later, but for now, time to explore the duct since I assume there are going to be guards in this prison?

[13:02:52] Dave: YOU ASSUME CORRECTLY

[13:03:03] Dave: you enter the AIRDUCT

[13:03:10] Dave: you find a BUTTON

[13:03:18] Dave: you WONDERED what had happened to it

[13:03:54] Dave: you follow the DUCT. it passes over a ROOM FULL OF ARMAMENTS

[13:03:58] Dave: you GUESS it’s the ARMORY

[13:04:16] Jac: check for bros

[13:04:23] Dave: scanning…

[13:04:34] Dave: the ARMORY appears to be BRO-FREE

[13:04:49] Jac: ok, let’s use the toothbrush point to break in

[13:05:17] Dave: you MACGYVER into the ARMORY, dropping silently to the floor with CATLIKE AGILITY

[13:05:35] Dave: on the TABLE is a TASER GUN, a CREW MANIFEST and an ARREST WARRANT

[13:06:08] Jac: take all of those

[13:06:20] Dave: you SWIPE the STUFF

[13:06:34] Jac: can I get back up to the airvent?

[13:07:14] Dave: in your HASTE to DO THAT THING IN FILMS WHERE HEROES DROP TO THE GROUND ON ONE KNEE AND ONE HAND you forgot to think of an ESCAPE ROUTE

[13:07:23] Dave: the DUCT is INACCESSIBLE

[13:07:30] Dave: to the NORTH is the GUARD DORMS

[13:07:33] Jac: even with the table?

[13:07:39] Dave: to the EAST is the TOILETS

[13:07:47] Dave: to the WEST is the JAIL

[13:07:54] Dave: the TABLE is RICKETY AS SHIT

[13:08:34] Jac: to the toilets then, they usually have both airvent access and high things to stand on

[13:08:49] Dave: you ENTER the TOILETS

[13:09:03] Dave: there is a BRO taking a LEAK

[13:09:14] Dave: WELL THIS IS AWKWARD

[13:10:15] Jac: damn, I guess it’s too much to hope for that the guard would be in the bathroom in part because he spilt tea on his uniform shirt

[13:10:28] Jac: and thus has a damp shirt

[13:10:51] Dave: his MOTIVATIONS are as MYSTERIOUS TO YOU as the WHIMSICAL ZEPHYRS of your HOME PLANET

[13:11:03] Dave: he hasn’t NOTICED YOU THOUGH

[13:11:05] Dave: BRO LOVES TO PEE

[13:11:24] Jac: let’s walk stompy-like like a guy and grunt a bit, pretending to be a guard while going to a stall

[13:11:33] Jac: otherwise I would going to try to properly electrocute him

[13:11:45] Dave: “HEY BRO”, you SAY, STOMPING CONVINCINGLY

[13:12:13] Dave: “HEY JARED”, says the BRO. “MAN, WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO CLEAN ALL THE LEAKS IN HERE”

[13:12:24] Dave: “I AM LITERALLY STANDING IN A SHITLOAD OF TOILET WATER RIGHT NOW”

[13:12:34] Dave: you are now SAFELY ENSCONSED in the CUBICLE

[13:12:47] Jac: have I noticed any airducts yet?

[13:12:54] Dave: roll to notice

[13:12:58] Jac: 3

[13:13:31] Dave: not only do you NOT NOTICE the AIRDUCT directly above you, you also KIND OF FORGET WHO YOU ARE, and CARRY ON A LENGTHY CONVERSATION ABOUT SPORTS

[13:13:43] Dave: +1 FRIENDSHIP WITH BROS

[13:13:51] Dave: perk gained: Friend of Man

[13:14:07] Dave: you can now make SMALL TALK at the DROP OF A HAT

[13:14:27] Dave: what is taking you so long in that DAMN CUBICLE

[13:14:54] Dave: asks the BRO, WASHING his HANDS

[13:15:12] Jac: The pasta bake from the cafeteria today

[13:15:21] Jac: is what’s taking me so long

[13:15:26] Dave: “OH”

[13:15:29] Jac: might be a while

[13:15:35] Dave: SILENCE REIGNS

[13:15:54] Dave: the BRO is UNNERVED. His GUARD is at an ALL TIME LOW

[13:16:11] Jac: so unless you want to be scarred for life, you might want to get back to work

[13:17:02] Jac: (I’ve got my finger on the trigger aiming for a puddle of water under the door that he’s standing in in the meantime)

[13:17:33] Dave: the BRO remains SILENT

[13:17:49] Dave: you THINK you hear his STEPS heading toward the CUBICLE

[13:18:22] Jac: ok, looks like it’s going to be electrocution time. tucking my legs up and firing..

[13:18:34] Dave: you climb on the seat and aim

[13:18:39] Dave: roll for TASE

[13:18:43] Jac: 17

[13:18:53] Dave: you CLICK the TASER

[13:19:46] Dave: ELECTRICITY pulses forth with the power of a THOUSAND REASONABLY PRICED TOASTERS, lighting the room like the decorative WINTER SOLSTICE TREES of your bizarre HOME PLANET

[13:19:59] Dave: there is a GIRLISH SCREAM as you TASE THE BRO

[13:20:03] Jac: I totally had it turned all the way up

[13:20:14] Dave: the smell of BURNT HAIR fills your nostrils

[13:20:31] Dave: then a THUMP

[13:21:15] Jac: I spring to action, leave the room and scavenge his gun and electric baton, which I assume he has. Is the uniform also clean?

[13:22:01] Dave: you take his UNBELIEVABLY SHITTY PISTOL. Seriously, this thing SUCKS. However, the BRO has clearly been SUCCESSFULLY TASED.

[13:22:11] Dave: you have gained a new perk: TESLA’S ACOLYTE

[13:22:16] Jac: and the baton. what about the baton

[13:22:19] Dave: +1 with electric weapons

[13:22:26] Jac: he has to have a baton

[13:22:49] Dave: you find an ELECTRIC BATON, fully CHARGED. you swap it for your SPENT TASER

[13:23:10] Dave: However, the GUARD has LIBERALLY SOILED his GUARDPANTS

[13:23:16] Dave: you really DID A NUMBER on him

[13:23:24] Dave: his GUARDSHIRT is FINE though

[13:23:41] Jac: damn, take the shirt leave the trousers. Hopefully I’ll look enough like a guard from the waist up

[13:23:48] Dave: HOPEFULLY

[13:24:11] Dave: you DON the GUARDSHIRT. +1 when TALKING to BROS. You’re PRETTY GREAT AT THAT NOW

[13:24:26] Dave: you REALISE you HAVEN’T READ THE STUFF YOU PICKED UP

[13:24:38] Jac: read them then

[13:24:38] Dave: READ STUFF?

[13:24:44] Dave: COOL

[13:25:30] Dave: the ARREST WARRANT concerns you: it APPEARS you have been brought to the IMPERIAL SPACE JAIL for IMMINENT TRIAL before the LIZARD EMPEROR

[13:25:44] Dave: you were a TOTAL DICK to him this one time

[13:25:59] Jac: looks like I’ll have to escape to a shuttle and get off the planet then

[13:26:10] Dave: IT WOULD APPEAR SO

[13:26:20] Dave: OBJECTIVE GAINED: CHEESE IT

[13:27:06] Dave: the EMPLOYEE MANIFEST reads that besides SOILY McTASEDPANTS there are THREE other BROS, a CHIEF OF GUARDS and…

[13:27:08] Dave: and…

[13:27:14] Dave: oh my goodness…

[13:27:17] Dave: THE LIZARD EMPEROR HIMSELF

[13:27:22] Dave: D:

[13:27:48] Jac: do we know anything about the weaknesses of the lizard people?

[13:28:06] Dave: they are IMPERVIOUS to SARCASM

[13:28:17] Dave: your RAPIER WIT is no good here

[13:28:40] Dave: a TALE comes back to you from your time on your WEIRDASS HOME PLANET

[13:28:52] Dave: LIZARDS really HATE SUNLIGHT

[13:28:57] Dave: IT’S LIKE, THE WORST

[13:29:19] Jac: got a plan then

[13:29:28] Jac: leaving the toilet and heading out

[13:29:37] Jac: it’s time to get to one of the outer doors

[13:29:55] Dave: to the NORTH is the GUARD DORMS, ABOVE YOU is the AIRDUCT

[13:30:21] Jac: airduct

[13:30:32] Dave: you ABSCOND to the DUCTS

[13:30:35] Jac: heading in the direction of the guard rooms

[13:30:40] Jac: they’ll probably be at the front

[13:30:46] Jac: near one of the exit doors

[13:30:59] Dave: you crawl above the GUARD ROOM. on the wall is a FLOOR PLAN

[13:31:36] Dave: you notice that to the NORTH is the SCIENCE LAB and OBSERVATION DECK, the EAST some kind of SPOOKY, FOREBODING ANTECHAMBER

[13:32:00] Jac: oooh, science lab and observation deck

[13:32:14] Dave: you go to the LABDECK

[13:32:28] Dave: the LAB waits below you, INVITINGLY

[13:32:33] Jac: we need to lure the lizard emperor to the observation deck, then lift the sunlight filter

[13:32:43] Dave: that sounds REASONABLE

[13:32:54] Jac: am I right in thinking this planet has a similar sunlight level to earth? and that it’s noon?

[13:33:07] Jac: Or maybe….. is even brighter than earth?

[13:33:24] Dave: i’m PRETTY SURE i MENTIONED this was a SPACE PRISON

[13:33:26] Dave: but ANYWAY

[13:33:28] Dave: YES

[13:33:34] Jac: damn, ok space

[13:33:42] Jac: which means it’ll face the sun at some point in its orbit

[13:33:50] Dave: the PLANET’S SUN will be hitting the SPACE PRISON within the next HALF HOUR

[13:34:08] Jac: I’m going to a control panel to set the filter to raise in 30 minutes

[13:34:24] Jac: in the meantime, am hiding in one of the lab closets

[13:34:38] Dave: you DO THE HERO THING into the LAB

[13:34:46] Dave: there are NO SCIENTISTS on BOARD

[13:35:16] Dave: it appears the BROS have been PLAYING POKER with the TRANSPLANT ORGANS

[13:35:32] Dave: MEDICAL EQUIPMENT litters the floor

[13:35:38] Jac: but are there any chemicals that could be explosive when mixed together stowed away

[13:35:55] Dave: you CHECK for EXPLOSIVE STUFF

[13:36:22] Dave: there is some HUMAN FAT, which unless the film FIGHT CLUB is TALKING NONSENSE, can be used as a MAKESHIFT EXPLOSIVE

[13:36:30] Jac: hmm

[13:36:41] Jac: render that into glycerine then

[13:37:11] Dave: you use your HANDWAVEY SCIENCE SKILLS to render a useful FATBOMB

[13:37:21] Dave: you are now ARMED TO THE TEETH

[13:37:25] Dave: go team

[13:37:36] Jac: two fatbombs, one small one huge

[13:37:40] Dave: CORRECT

[13:37:57] Jac: and the filter is set to raise

[13:38:07] Jac: is it almost 30 minutes yet?

[13:38:08] Dave: you reach for the FILTER CONTROLS

[13:38:12] Dave: JUST THEN

[13:38:22] Dave: there is an announcement over the TANNOY SYSTEM

[13:38:33] Dave: it is the LIZARD EMPEROR

[13:38:49] Dave: he says that they found a topless BRO wallowing in his own POOP

[13:38:54] Jac: clearly a pervert

[13:39:09] Dave: he reported a charming JARED wandering the HALLS, then discovered your EMPTY CELL

[13:39:19] Jac: PLAN B PLAN B

[13:39:22] Dave: he says he is COMING TO DEAL WITH YOU HIMSELF

[13:39:31] Dave: the TANNOY CUTS OUT MENACINGLY

[13:39:44] Jac: no time for the filter now, set off the minibomb

[13:39:48] Dave: then the LIGHTING GOES ALL RED LIKE THAT BIT IN SERENITY

[13:39:56] Dave: you PRIME the MINIFATBOMB

[13:40:05] Dave: roll for bomb

[13:40:09] Jac: 8

[13:40:44] Dave: the BOMB blows the DOOR of the LAB off, into the OBSERVATION DECK. You notice a LARGE AIRCRAFT HANGAR beyond.

[13:41:00] Jac: YES

[13:41:02] Dave: it was KIND OF A DISAPPOINTING EXPLOSION, IF YOU’RE HONEST

[13:41:45] Jac: it was supposed to be disappointing. lemme get behind the point that’ll seal off areas of the ship with punctures

[13:41:55] Jac: which should be in the aircraft hangar

[13:42:03] Jac: since that’s a high risk area

[13:42:11] Dave: you HASTEN to the HANGAR, hitting an IMPRESSIVE LOOKING RED BUTTON

[13:42:16] Dave: it goes BEEP

[13:42:17] Jac: wait wait wait

[13:42:28] Dave: WOAH WHAT

[13:42:59] Jac: by this point, the guards and lizard emperor should have entered the science lab since that entry’s the closest to the crew quarters and cells

[13:43:10] Dave: that MAKES LOGISTICAL SENSE

[13:43:14] Jac: and I’ll be on the other side of the blowout

[13:43:15] Jac: so……

[13:43:28] Dave: the LAB FILLS WITH BROS and ONE LIZARD EMPEROR

[13:43:33] Jac: DETONATE THE BIGGER BOMB, which is stowed right next to the observation window

[13:43:50] Jac: which should blow out the glass, and the hangar will seal itself off

[13:44:00] Jac: if I’m lucky

[13:44:18] Dave: this is SO TENSE

[13:44:24] Dave: roll for detonate

[13:44:27] Jac: 18

[13:44:30] Dave: OH SNAP

[13:44:45] Dave: there is a TRULY FUCKKNOCKING EXPLOSION

[13:44:56] Dave: BBBWWWWOOOOOOOSSHHHHHFEEWWWWWWW

[13:45:03] Dave: your EARS RING

[13:45:18] Dave: BLACK SMOKE fills the UNDAMAGED HANGAR

[13:45:22] Dave: but…

[13:45:25] Dave: no…

[13:45:40] Dave: THE LIZARD EMPEROR STRIDES PURPOSEFULLY FROM THE WRECKAGE

[13:45:51] Jac: welp, I’m just going to have to hit that red button and run

[13:46:00] Dave: you HIT THE IMPRESSIVE RED BUTTON

[13:46:16] Dave: it DISPENSES a DELICIOUS MUG OF COCOA

[13:46:19] Dave: take COCOA?

[13:46:29] Jac: throw the cocoa at the lizard king’s eyes

[13:46:37] Dave: roll for cocoa

[13:46:42] Jac: 7

[13:47:02] Dave: you throw the TASTY COCOA at the LIZARD EMPEROR

[13:47:20] Dave: it MISSES HIS EYES and hits him directly in the MOUTH

[13:47:32] Dave: he takes gulp after gulp of SUGARY TREATS

[13:47:47] Dave: TURNS OUT he is DEATHLY ALLERGIC to COCOA POWDER

[13:48:14] Dave: he drops to the ground, a HORRID SCRATCHY RASH breaking out on his MAJESTIC FOREHEAD

[13:48:20] Dave: he seems to be BECKONING YOU

[13:48:28] Dave: be beckoned?

[13:48:31] Jac: I’ll get another cocoa first

[13:48:35] Jac: then be beckoned

[13:48:44] Dave: you CASUALLY STROLL to the COCOA DISPENSARY

[13:49:16] Dave: then to the LIZARD EMPEROR, who is TWITCHING LIKE HE’S LISTENING TO DUBSTEP

[13:49:25] Jac: hello, lizard emperor

[13:49:33] Dave: “hisssssss”

[13:49:38] Dave: “ssssssssoo”

[13:49:43] Dave: “we meet at lassssssst”

[13:50:05] Jac: you going to repeal my arrest warrant or am I going to have to cocoa you again?

[13:50:26] Dave: “but there’s ssssssso much bureaucracccccccccy”

[13:50:48] Jac: well I hope you’re a fan of aztec chili chocolate

[13:50:54] Jac: which is obviously what this is

[13:51:16] Dave: “ssssssstop! pleassssssse! i sssssssubmit”

[13:51:31] Dave: “take the keysssssssss to my ssssssspace lexusssssssss”

[13:51:43] Jac: I take the keys and get the hell out of there

[13:52:00] Dave: you flip the ignition in the SPACE LEXUS

[13:52:10] Dave: open HANGAR DOORS?

[13:52:14] Jac: there’s classic rock playing on the radio too

[13:52:25] Jac: open hangar doors, without sealing off the wall behind me

[13:52:45] Dave: there is totally a SPACE RADIO STATION playing SWEET TRACKS from the FUTURE 80s on your HOME PLANET

[13:52:55] Dave: you open the HANGAR DOORS

[13:53:17] Dave: although SOUND DOES NOT TRAVEL IN SPACE, you think you hear the faint screaming of the LIZARD EMPEROR

[13:53:27] Dave: he is calling you a total DOUCHEBAG

[13:53:29] Jac: just covering all my bases

[13:53:34] Dave: he UNDERSTANDS

[13:53:41] Dave: roll for heroic ending

[13:53:45] Jac: 21

[13:53:57] Jac: I got an extra dice, see

[13:54:45] Dave: you REACH HOME, DISCOVER you OWN A DINOSAUR AS A PET, and that CHRIS HEMSWORTH has left a MESSAGE on your ANSWERPHONE asking you to go to the PREMIERE of AVENGERS 2

g’day jac

[13:54:53] Jac: (dance)

[13:54:56] Dave: and your supper is STILL HOT

[13:55:01] Dave: THE END.

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